Why You Should Like Yourself!
In a world where everything seems to be based on what your skills and status are worth, we often worry how our identity development will be valued. Will we be accepted by our co-workers, peers, family, and community? Will the decision to be who we truly are lead to identity confusion, or cost us our safety, relationships, and even income? These are valid and real concerns people have every single day, often leading to an identity crisis. What we forget to think about though, is the cost that comes with trying to fit in and the mental and emotional damage that can occur when we suppress our true selves.
Whether you are worried about your identity development as a Queer individual (either fitting in with society or being accepted by the Queer community), finding your place in the corporate world, or simply worrying about how your cultural identity translates to those around you, we are constantly trying to figure out how to be palatable. Truthfully, it’s exhausting and can cost us something greater than our income or status - it can cost us our mental health, leading to identity confusion and possibly even identity foreclosure. Btw, identity foreclosure may be new to some people - to clarify it's when you take on a set of ideals or values without thinking about what you truly want (super quick broken down explanation, I will be writing more about it in the coming weeks!)
The Cost Of Fitting In
As a public speaker, I have studied body language, reading the room, and quickly judging if someone is bored with talking to me. Initially, I would use this information to try and shift the conversation or friendship, doing what I could to keep them engaged, my value hanging on their approval. This led to me feeling a lack of true self awareness, the problem is created when you do this over and over, you forget who you actually are and start to blend the portion of you that was created to keep them engaged. You lose sight of your leadership identity that makes you sure of your goals, your empathetic identity that defines how you care about people, and your core set of values. Everyone’s opinion becomes important. And when everyone’s opinion is important, no one’s opinion is important. The same is true as you build your career, affecting your professional identity.
How Take Your Identity Back
Before you can move forward, you have to step back. You see, if you took a step back, you could see you don’t want their life, their habits, or care about their interests. Not to say you want them to hate you, but do you actually need or want their stamp of approval? If you don’t have this realization, you continue to crave the approval of people who are nothing like you and have a completely different set of moral values and interests. This happens over and over as leaders move into higher roles and instead of standing for their values and holding their new peers accountable, they want to fit in, so they take on the new set of values that may involve taking advantage of those below them on the "power ranking". They very well might have taken the leadership role "to change things up!" or to "Lead with integrity!" and then their need for approval takes over, and before they know it, their leadership identity is built off keeping the power on their level.
Building The Foundation
When you are wanting to live a life based off your core set of values and be true to your own moral and ethical identity, you have to let go of wanting to be approved of. Which is difficult on its own but then you add in the next problem: what if we don’t have a foundation of our own identity already established? A foundation of your identity development is is crucial for identity achievement, so the idea of no longer needing others to approve of us is not only terrifying, it’s nearly impossible to do because you keep falling back into the habit of going along with your peers for the sake of approval. Before you can stand firm on your own identity, you have to develop the foundation it’s built off of. While a large portion of your identity was formed as a child, there are so many tools that exist to help you build it as an adult as well!
Here are Three Tools For Identity Development:
Start small - think about the small decisions you've made lately that you trust. Food you like, clothes you wear, or maybe what shows you've chosen to watch. If you feel like everything you do is based on others, pick one of these topics to focus on to discover more about yourself.
Spend time alone - journal, meditate, and be alone. A lot. We fill our time, space, and mind with other people more often than we realize. The more you can focus on being alone and figuring out what your core beliefs are on certain topics or what your passion is, the more you'll have self-understanding and feel more at ease in your body.
Argue - (but not with others) This one is a bit random but has been huge for me. As I went from doing and being what everyone else wanted from me, I realized how often I would argue with others just for the sake of feeling like I had some important personal beliefs, but the reality was, I didn't. I was just shouting what others told me to say. When I got alone, and read books, watched documentaries, and spent time using the internet to see all the other opinions, I started realizing I had no idea what my own opinions were. I started reading a book and argue, through journaling, talking out loud, or to a trusted friend/therapist, my own perspective. I started realizing I had my own personal philosophy on a lot of topics I had never thought about! Instead of arguing in the comment section like a troll, or debating at family gatherings, I learned out to have a differing opinion I could process on my own, and not need to have others validate that perspective. Now I can have calm, confident, and respectful conversations about things I disagree on and do not need the other person to change to make me feel valid. Not only is this building character but it's developing principles on how to communicate and what you actually care to comminicate on.
When you have a firm identity foundation, you then can have fun building your vision for your life, growing your emotional intelligence, defining your beliefs, and understanding your gender identity and sexual identity. This foundation work also empowers you to better understand your specific leadership styles, communication style, and have a concrete sense of self-identity. Foundation work is crucial to healthy goal setting, character development, building confidence, and empowerment.
Building Empathy For Yourself
That most crucial part of all this work does is build empathy for yourself. The more you know a friend, the more you want them to succeed. The same goes for yourself. The more you know who you are, what you care about, and why you care about it, the more you want to be kind and encouraging to yourself. This work heals a part of your identity that was possibly broken as a child. It helps you feel advocated for so you can make space for others to be advocated for, which leads to embracing diversity. You can focus on compassionate leadership, making space for those around you and advocating for them. You define your own personal values and feel secure in them. You are able to have life goals you truly want, not what others make for you. The more you focus on your own foundation of identity, the more self-awareness, courage, and purpose you experience as well.
TAKE AWAY TOOL
Write out the 10 most recent decisions you've made: career, food, outfit, hobbies, how you spent your time, policy you worked on at work, relationships, etc... And write next to them who impacted that decision. Was it 100% you? Or someone else. Define one or two specific aspects you can take initiative on how to re-define them as your own!
P.S. If you’re wanting to build a stronger foundation of Identity Development in yourself (I do 1:1 coaching!) or in your employees so they have a stronger sense of self for better mental health (I’m a keynote speaker!) reach out to James@thetranscoach.com!