Why I Hate The Fake It Till You Make It Mindset
You are not who you say you are, you are what you do. You can say you are a kind person, an attentive leader, a competitive athlete, a present father, or a successful business owner. But if your actions are cruel, full of neglect, or full of excuses, then what you say and what you do are not aligned.
Faking it till you make it won’t change anything.
The consequences of this are more impactful than we realize. And while that first paragraph feels harsh, I sincerely want you to hear this from a place of support. Not only does this trap impact our success, or the success of our family or business, but it also ripples into our mental health. It creates cracks in the foundation of who we are. When your words and actions don’t line up, you lack the ability to see where change needs to take place, how to hold yourself accountable, and where to get help.
Imagine this: You say you are a healthy and strong individual who can run marathons. You say this and believe it to be true. Fantastic! …Except you have a sprained ankle you neglect, a diet that is full of sodium and lacking the right nutrition, and you lack a routine that keeps your body moving. When you disregard your truth and continue to tell yourself you are an athlete, especially from a “fake it till you make it” mindset, you shut off the truth and ignore the solution that is right in front of you. You may sign up for marathons that will cause more injuries, ignore warning signs from your body that you need medical attention, or avoid the basic habits that make an athletic lifestyle sustainable.
What you need is honest and real accountability, and here are four steps to get you there:
Create a safe space to be vulnerable
You need to be able to own your frustrations of where you’re at, what got you here, and what is getting in the way of real change. If you are wanting to be an active and healthy athlete, you need to own the neglect you’ve done to your body. If you’re wanting to be a leader who prevents turnover or burn out, you need to own that you’ve been ignoring your employees. If you are a person who is not seeing the success they want in life or business, you need to own what areas you’ve been avoiding. To admit these type of feelings about us can be scary because we tend to like to avoid feeling shame, so you have to create a safe place to own up and be honest with yourself. If you have a mentor, coach, therapist, or even safe friend, ask them to work through this with you. The more accountability you can have to be fully open and honest, the more you’ll get out of this exercise!
Write out the outcome you are wanting
If you’re driving to a restaurant you’ve never been to but don’t put in the address in your phone/GPS, you probably will waste a lot of time trying to get there or worse, you may never get there! You need to know where you want to go and who you want to be. There is the honest reality that it will evolve and change, but having a vision of the goal is vital to making a change and having it stick. Often we use vague words in our “fake it till we make it” mantras like “I am successful” “I am strong” or “I am a good leader”. Those are way too vague. You need to be as specific as possible so you know exactly what habits to take to the next level in your life. Going back to the athlete, if you don’t think about what kind of athlete you want to be, you may start working out and eating a diet for a powerlifter even though you were hoping to be a long distance runner. Two very different workouts and diets! You need to know what you are wanting out of life, what kind of morals you want to live by, and the type of legacy you are wanting to leave. Write out the outcome in as much detail as possible, and make it present tense. This is where you can blend in a little “fake it till you make it” mentality.
Define the habits of that ideal person
When you know the address, you can discover the directions. This translates to when you know who you want to be, you can discover the habits of that person. You want to be a present parent? Then you know you need to prioritize time with your kids. You want to be an attentive leader? Then you know you need to set aside time to hear the concerns of your employees. You can look to people who already are living examples of your goal, see what habits, moral values, and actions they practice. Write out the habits you will need to become the person you are aspiring to be. Do they wake up early, eat a certain diet, read specific books, or have core priorities they never neglect? Write out as many details that you can think of.
Create an action plan
This is where accountability comes into play. You’ve owned what has gotten you to where you are now, who you want to be, and what it will take to become that person. Now, you take the first step towards becoming that. Set up clear and actionable goals and deadlines to guide your growth. Have a friend, mentor, or coach check in on those deadlines, have rewards that you get for reaching those goals, and celebrate becoming the person you are aspiring to be!
Remember:
Shame leads us to rather fake our mindset, than own it. Shame leads us to want to look away from the pain we feel, the habits that got us here, or the ways we avoid accountability. Now, can we use a “fake it till we make it” mantra once we own these actions? Absolutely. There are many ways people use mantras and mindset shifts to rebuild new habits. First though, you have to step into your truth before you take the first step of action with a mindset mantra. Once you have a detailed description of the person you are becoming and the actions you need to take, a mantra of “I’m a successful leader” evolves into “I am an ultramarathon runner who wakes up early to work out every day, makes time for rest, and eats food that nourishes my body.” You also have the mindset of how you accomplish that mantra.
And truthfully, it’s no longer a mantra. It’s your way of life.
P.S.
If you’re new here, hi! I’m James Barnes, an Empathetic Leadership Speaker and Coach. I speak and coach on identity development, setting goals, and stress management using empathy. I believe the more leaders lean into this mindset shift, the more we will avoid burnout, turnover, anxiety, and even depression in the workplace! You can have a thriving workplace and life, trust me. I coach individuals to empower them to make an even bigger impact! Whether you are Transgender and wanting to build a foundation for your identity or a CEO wanting to take your leadership to another level, (or both, hey my fellow Trans Business owners!) I’m here to give your goals a pathway to success!